Charka and Healing crystals was something very foreign to me in 2015, but it quickly grasp my interest. At this time I was a very hurt individual who had no real understanding of life. My soul had been distorted by disappointment from family to my relationships and I found myself at the age of 26 in a dead end job, homeless, in a verbally abusive relationship and pregnant. I honestly didn't know what I was doing with my life, but I knew what ever I was doing wasn't right and I was about to bring this baby into my chaos and I needed a change.
One day I was strolling on Instagram and I ran across a friend of mines page and at first I was like "o lord what is this girl doing with these rocks" but then I read the caption and this was my first time seeing the word chakra. I had know idea what this gypsy mess was about but I wanted no parts of it and I quickly stroll down my timeline to laugh at memes that would take my mind off my tragedy that was my life. After spending hours laughing at unimportant memes I ran across the post again, but this time I decided to google this charka mess and what I found was shocking.
"Charka Healing through self" was the first thing that popped up on the screen. Ummm healing through self ? Now how does one do that? I was instantly intrigued to learn how I can heal myself through myself. As I mentioned before my life was a living hell and I saw no way out other then death. The only thing stopping me was the fact I was about to bring life into this world and I wouldn't be killing just my self but also an innocent child who did nothing to deserve an outcome like that, but then again he didn't deserve the entire situation I was placing him in.
My relationship with my ex will be something I will get into at a later date because his role in my life plays an whole part of its own, but what I will say is at this point of life I had been so broken down and desperate for any sign of love from a man who literally told me everyday he didn't love me, didn't want to be with me , or value me as a human being. But deep down in my heart I felt if I could get him to love me everything will be alright. That day never came and I'm happy it didn't.
As I read on how to heal myself, I realize this was something I couldn't do alone. I needed stones , a quite place, someone to show me how to use them or even a book I could read. At this time I decided that I would give the healing stuff a try... why not I don't have anything else to lose ... right? So that night I spent hours reading through my google search about the stones I would need and where I can find them and most important how much do they cost because the last thing I had was a lot of money. Me and my ex was packed in one room inside his parents condo and it was quickly filling up with baby stuff and our hatred for one another. I was looking for an escape and all this time I thought death was the only way but now I may just have another way! Excited was an understatement.
The next day was payday and also my day off and I was ready to start my new life if not for me but for Josiah! I woke up that morning with a clear goal get stones! I quick walked into earthbound in Chicago Ridge ready to make the biggest purchase of my life. Way bigger then anything else I was purchasing my life back.
I spend almost an hour in the store that day picking out stones and reading reviews on my phone to find the best charka book for me. Finally I made my purchase I bought a small set of stones and a book that I read nothing but great reviews on. My total was about 50 dollars which at that time was a lot of money for a last minute thing but like I said before I'm purchasing my life back and my life is worth way more then 50 dollars right?
I got in the car and called my now ex boyfriend to tell him about my doctor visit and my mall purchase. I was quickly verbally attacked on why I would buy such a thing like crystals and we will have nothing like that happening in his house and to take them back immediately and he will be checking to make sure they didn't come in his house. I begged him to let me keep them because it was something that could really help us and he told me I could not come to his house with that stuff and hung up. I was dying inside and no one could see my pain not even the man I gave so much to be with. But like everything else in my life if he didn't approve it didn't happen and I turned around and went back to the mall to return my life.
Walking back into earthbound with sadness in my heart was one of the hardest things to do. This was the only thing I could truly be happy about, this was my way out of no way. A new beginning for me and my son! This was the only way he was going to have a happy life and now I have to return everything. The employee was shocked I was back to make the return and I definitely didn't want to tell her the real reason why I wasn't keeping my life.
That I was so desperate for love and acceptance that no matter how much someone disrespect and belittle me I am still willing to do anything to be accepted by him even if it means giving up on my own life.... I made my return and went back to his place went in the bathroom and cried as he played his video game.....
From that day on I never thought about charka or healing crystal again. I decided to breakdown my walk into finding crystal healing into multiple blogs as an easier way for me to deal with the situation since I have never spoke about it to now. I by no means want to use this platforms as a way to bash or disrespect my ex, his family and my family. I am only speaking my truth and want to use my voice to help someone who maybe going through a similar situation get through the hurt and pain.
Fast forward to November 2015 I am now in Saint Louis single , childless, and feeling as lost as ever. I lost everything not saying that I actually had a lot to start with but now I have to deal with another pain , the pain of losing a child. I have had miscarriages in the past and this was a pain I knew all to well but this time was different. I wasn't allowed to grieve like the last time. Crying was out of the question being weak was something I couldn't do I was in survival mode. I had to find a place to stay, a new car, another job, and I had no time to be sad. I had to fix this ... this life it couldn't continue like this or I would be dead in no time. Even though I was in survival mode I also felt a sense of freedom.... I was shocked I thought the day me and my ex was finally over I would just died because what is me without him but that wasn't the case. I finally felt I was about to be me and that excited me but yet scared me at the same time. Was I to damaged to live a healthy life? I had two major miscarriages, failed relationships, no real income, nothing really to my name but the stuff that could fit into my car. It wasn't even my car since it was in my ex boyfriend name and it could be taken away at anytime.
I had to come up with a plan but first I wanted to do all the things I was told I couldn't do when I was in my situation. So I sat down and wrote a list I want to start my YouTube channel, start my blog, open a business, get a better job, find a husband who loves and respect me, move out of Chicago for good, and most important I wanted to be happy.
One day right before thanksgiving after siting in my car listening to what I now call " another episode of Jazmin ain't shit" from my ex bashing me yet again about my closure letter and telling me again how I should feel and most important how his feeling should mean more. I past an earthbound and decided to walk in just to kill some time . I walked past what I know now to be sage and asked the employee what was this? The guy was so nice and friendly told me all about sage what it does and how to use it. He asked me if I ever used Healing crystal and I told him how I wanted to but my ex was against it and I remember him saying "well he is an ex now u can do what ever you want". Those word ring in my ears because it was true.. I can finally do what ever I want. That day I picked up sage and a set of charka crystals and my journey to self healing began.
I want to encourage anyone reading this to never stop fighting for what you want. If you truly believe in something go for it and if anyone tries to bring you down leave them and their negativity alone. I had two fail attempts of suicide between returning my first set of crystals and buying my second set. What if It didn't fail? I would have lost my life trying to please someone else. Losing yourself in order to gain love from someone else isn't love.... I put myself and my child in danger because I was hurting... my soul was crying out and no one could hear how serious I needed help not even myself.